Online dating: friends, lovers or soulmates?
For all of its pitfalls, online dating is still the number one means of finding new friends, lovers and soulmates. Discovering which is which takes time.
In 2023 about 40% of new relationships originate from online dating apps, 27% in bars and restaurants, 20% from friends, 11% at work, 9% from school/college, and 7% through family, according to a Stanford survey.
Gone are the days of casual introductions in grocery stores, movie theaters or concerts. Likely the preoccupation with cell phones adds to this trend.
So… you finally meet someone who seems like they may fit the basic parameters of your next potential long-term partner. Great! Now what?
Mutual discovery + acceptance + choice = surrender.
Exploration of mutual interests, values, hobbies and intentions seems most natural, especially if your goal is a long-term relationship versus a short-term sexual fling. BTW guys, I estimate about 95% of mature women are not at all interested is “hook-ups,” until a basic relationship has been built.
Young singles (ages 20s to 40s) are often more physically-driven than mature relationship divorcees or widowers (ages 50s to 70s) who are seeking intellectual, emotional and even spiritual attraction in addition to physical attraction.
The challenge of finding a long-term partner seems to grow as we age and hopefully become more discerning, as well as having a better understanding of our self and the most important qualities we desire in a partner.
In his classic book The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis distinguishes between the four basic types of love; 1) parental/family love… 2) friendship love… 3) erotic love… and 4) Divine, or unconditional love.
The first three types of human-based love all have one thing in common says Lewis, “The need to both love and to be loved back.” Only Divine love enables us to love another regardless of whether it is reciprocated.
There seems to be a healthy natural progression in building a long-term relationship, 1) A mutual acceptance of how our family/parental love has shaped us, 2) A mutual choice to initiate a new friendship — which implies a willingness to share both good times and bad, and 3) A mutual attraction and desire for physical touch, intimacy and ultimately sexual union.
To jump from a casual introduction to physical union may seem natural for the male species but, without moving through steps of friendship and relationship building, it remains very shallow (as most females intuitively know) and most often dooms the relationship to failure over time.
We ALL long to love and to be loved unconditionally.
According to the book Undefended Love, “This dual yearning within each human heart is the yearning for a sense of connection with another and a personal desire to connect deeply within our self.”
“Romantic love alone can easily miss loves ‘true’ purpose, that is to free the essential or the true self from the defensive layers that we’ve erected to protect our heart,” says Undefended Love. “True intimacy is heart-based, not sex-based and can only occur when the heart is undefended.”
“Sex is only a small part of being in love, which includes a delightful preoccupation with the beloved….During the sacred act of love, all of the forces of masculinity and femininity in the universe are engaged and work through us,” writes C.S Lewis.
This is a powerful image of why sexual orgasms are such an amazing exhilarating and ‘oneing’ experience. But Lewis warns, “There is a tendency to worship sexual self-gratification. Natural things are dangerous when they begin to seem too Divine.”
It seems to me we live in a modern culture which is desperately trying (unsuccessfully) to substitute physical gratification in its many forms for both human and Divine union.
When the goal of every new relationship is to be a loving person and keep all options open, it is then possible to drop all of our pretenses and preconceived expectations and just be who we really are.
Yes, it is possible to dwell in a peaceful contentment of our life as-is. From this place of peace we then attract the right type of partner we seek. Along the way we will surely make some new friends and, at the right time, eventually meet someone special which we can connect with on all levels.
Give up on finding the “perfect” match!
It is wise to abandon the notion of finding a “perfect” match, according to an excellent couples resource entitled, The Couples Workbook: Homework to Help Love Last by the London-based School of Life.
Why? Because everyone has both a true and a false (or shadow) self. Thus, the very things that attract you to another person which at first may seem perfect, over time will manifest some imperfect qualities which repel you.
“A major hurdle almost every couple faces is unrealistic expectations, which can quickly sink lovers with even the best of intentions.”
The Workbook’s premise is simple: love is more of a learned skill than an emotion. To facilitate openness they suggest each partner make a list of “What I need to be ideally happy with my partner” and then discuss it.
Great idea! In fact, they go on to list about 35 more key questions for couples to discuss designed to deepen and open up any relationship, such as: “What if anything has made trust difficult for you in the past? … What do you think are your biggest strengths and weaknesses? … What are some activities you prefer to do alone or with friends rather than together?”
“Compatibility is not the precondition of love, it is the achievement of love,” says The Couple’s Workbook. This is a radical paradigm shift for many who are convinced they must find near 100% compatibility for happiness.
So, rather than seeking a “perfect” soulmate, we are better served in seeking someone who remains open to working on both themselves and improving the relationship, given that we are all imperfect.
Consciousness, Personality Types & Love Languages
Another key to finding a lasting long-term relationship is facilitated by having fairly compatible personalities and levels of consciousness — that is, our perspective on who we are and where we’re headed.
Psychologists and philosophers alike have determined there are as many as nine different levels of consciousness, ranging from “I am my body” … to “I am free of myself.”
“Most people can only grasp one or two levels of consciousness beyond where they are presently at,” says author Richard Rohr, in The Art of Letting Go.
In other words, if your partner is firmly planted in an early stage of consciousness dominated by self-centeredness and you have progressed to a more developed stage of selflessness, you can save yourself a lot of time and potential heartbreak by seeking a partner on a compatible level.
The notion that we can change a potential partner’s thinking or actions over time is an exercise in folly. Therefore, our best course of action is to find a partner with whom we are willing to accept “as-is” and who is also willing to be committed to growing in love together — bumps, bruises and warts included.
Knowing your own and your partner’s “love language” (touch, service, appreciation, gifts, quality time) is also very helpful. Also, knowing their personality type can promote a better understanding of each other. The Enneagram is an ancient tool to help determine your personality type. (Free 5-min. Enneagram Test)
About the Enneagram, Richard Rohr says, “The goal of the entire spiritual journey is union in love. And love is not achieved by any performance principle, but it is something we ‘fall into’ when we are not in full control.”
Conclusion: finding a long-term partner is both challenging, serendipity — and somewhat of a paradox — learning to seek and let go at the same time.
I think the key to finding that special someone is remaining fully present when meeting new potential partners until you hopefully meet someone who mirrors many of the same desires within your heart to proceed to further levels of friendship, togetherness and union.
Thankfully true love wins in the end. Good luck!
Suggested further reading: The Four Loves … Undefended Love … The Couples Workbook … The Art of Letting Go … A 1,700 Year Old Love Tool: The Enneagram … Spiritual Attraction: Soul-Dating, Eager to Love.
