The Couple’s Workbook — Homework to help love last
$20 retail — The School of Life — www.theschooloflife.com — A Book Review by David Bradshaw, My Idea Factory
Introduction
The premise of this outstanding publication is simple: “Love is a skill, not an emotion.” As such, skills require education and practice to perfect, whereas emotions are often very random and subjective.
My introduction to this volume came via an email offering The Couple’s Workbook, which immediately caught my attention as a father of four daughters and grandfather of ten — two of which were recently married.
The School of Life is a London-based think tank devoted to “developing educational resources which which explain how to lead a more fulfilled life, including emotional well-being, how to form good relationships, identifying a satisfying career, minimizing anxiety and acquiring confidence.”
This is the type of hands-on relationship workbook which can help save troubled marriages as well as to further enhance already good relationships. The communication tools offered are presented in a highly intelligent, frank, fun and often very counter-intuitive fashion.
For example,the Introduction states, “We’ve inherited a Romantic perspective on love that suggests living successfully with another person only depends on 1) finding ‘the right person’ and 2) experiencing a high degree of mutual passion. Unfortunately the results of this attitude have been disastrous.”
The truth is; “Almost no one ever finds a person with whom they miraculously and intuitively connect across all areas…We would be better off assuming from the outset that a degree of pain and discord is going to be our lot.”
Perhaps this sounds a bit negative, but I think it is intended as a wake up call to comfort afflicted couples, as well as to afflict those living in a dysfunctional comfort zone.
“No one is intuitively good at love. We all need to do a little homework,” is the working premise, which seems obvious when stated, yet for some reason couples often refuse to admit needing help, to themselves or to each other.
This unique workbook consists of 38 short essays and fill-in-the-blank exercises for couples of any age (or gender) to work on together which are designed to help build a stronger relationship based upon “mature communication, forgiveness, patience, humor and resilience.”
“Couples are guided to have particular conversations, analyze their feelings, explain parts of themselves to one another and to undertake new rituals that clear the air and help recover hope and improve communication.”
I have chosen to review a dozen of the 38 essays to help give readers a quick overview of the key areas which I found most helpful. I hope this will confirm why you should consider ordering your own copy(s) of this workbook.
The Scale of Ambition
The first essay identifies a major hurtle almost every couple will face: unrealistic expectations.
“Part of the reason why relationships can often seem disappointing is that all of us in our subconscious have a memory of love having been very much easier. Think of a newborn baby just after feeding… satiated, safe and utterly at peace… We were loved, we didn’t have to love.”
Parental love comes very close to unconditional love (Greek; ‘agape’) which does not require reciprocation. According to C. S. Lewis, family love (Greek; ‘storge’) crosses all boundaries — between the human sexes and even the animal species.
Perhaps best symbolized by the adoring love of a mother holding an infant, parental love is usually an in-born instinct. In his classic book, The Four Loves, C. S. Lewis says this is the humblest love which forms a solid foundation for all of the other types of human love.
However, the workbook states, “Our parents love, while being immensely kind, did us one lasting disservice; it may unwittingly have created an expectation of what it would mean for someone to love us…we’re judging our adult experiences in the light of a very different kind of childhood love.”
Excellent point! The essay concludes with each partner making a list of “What I need to be ideally happy with a partner”… “This should not make us furious, but compassionately kind towards ourselves — and the flawed but in many ways ‘good enough’ lovers we have already located.” That’s encouraging!
Throughout the workbook the goal is to alter and broaden our perspective. For example, did you know that for most of human history no one was expected to more than tolerate their life partner? It’s true!
Its only in the last fifty years or so that we have come to expect to locate a partner who can be our ideal friend, sex partner, co-parent, household manager and helpmate.
“This means there’s now an almost infinite number of ways we can feel let down…” Again, unrealistic expectations can quickly sink lovers with even the best of intentions.
The Dangerous Quest for Compatibility
The second essay builds upon the fact that the modern understanding of love is dominated by a quest for compatibility, which dates back to 4th century philosopher Plato — who conjectured that in the distant past all of us had been joined to someone else. Thus we all have a primal need to find “our other half,” or “soulmate.”
The Couple’s Workbook makes a strong case for giving up on the romantic notion that we will ever find a perfect soulmate, going so far as to say, “There is no such thing as an ‘other half…The search, though touching, is ultimately poisonous and deeply opposed to the true spirit of love.”
On the topic of soul-dating … “Perhaps the biggest challenge is finding a life partner who is on a compatible spiritual growth path and interested in moving toward mature spirituality together.”
“Compatibility is NOT the PRECONDITION of love … it is the ACHIEVEMENT of love.”
Upon reflection, the above truism rings true and is a very liberating idea for those who have felt deeply frustrated in their endless search for total compatibility in a life partner.
“We need to accept that no partner can ever understand more than a percentage of who and what we are… The ideal partner is not someone who shares our every taste, it is someone who knows how to negotiate differences with sensitivity, insight and humor.”
Ding-ding! Are the lights going on yet?
The next couple exercise involves making a list of what we find most irritating/frustrating about our partner. “Now, imagine that we might have to live with this list, that change wasn’t going to be possible… could it still be bearable?” they ask readers to consider.
“The truth is other people rarely change — and when they do, change comes very slowly and only when we push for it the least.”
Was that a loud ‘Amen’ that I just heard from honest couples everywhere?
Why Am I With This Person?
It is interesting to hear the story of how people have met their partner. But whether is was seemingly random or a planned event, psychotherapy indicates that your connection was no accident — in fact, “We don’t have total freedom about who we get together with,” say the authors.
Often we, unwittingly are seeking to re-find childhood emotions connected with our parents or other caregivers. “The dark truth about love — we may not primarily want to be happy, but rather familiar… We may have little option but to follow a path of unhappy love laid down in childhood.”
That might help explain the reason some people searching for love repeatedly make unhealthy choices without really understanding why. The need to re-find childhood problems in our adult love is called, “Repetition Dynamic.”
If we feel stuck in this type of relationship, “We may feel the best solution is to leave them or find someone easier, nicer, better,” however the workbook suggests a better option; “to change the way we deal with difficulties from childlike to a more adult response.”
We are often drawn to a partner because we admire a quality we don’t have. To absorb the strengths of our partner requires each are both teachable… and willing to teach. “Without both elements we can instead end up resenting and denigrating their strengths. This requires great humility and patience by both.
The Secret Lives of Other Couples
Are other couples better or worse at finding marital compatibility? Good question. I liked this essay, which taps into the “Reality TV” dynamic of wanting to know what goes on behind the closed doors of our neighbors and friends.
According to the workbook, “The problem is we see only the public side, which appears heavily edited and sanitized — thus we assume our own relationship is far more painful than is common.”
“The truth is; misery is the rule for more than public sources will ever admit. Part of the reason is that popular movies and novels paint a false image… If we could see properly we might arrive at a deeply heartening conclusion; our own relationship is very normal and ‘good enough’.”
Another rather striking fact the workbook underlines; “By living with someone for a long time we assume that we know them rather well… The astounding truth is we do not know them well at all … We mistake familiarity with knowledge.”
The result is a reduced or distorted perspective. “It is vital to continue our conversations about our past and future aspirations — which help us to arrive a more generous and forgiving view of present behavior.”
A Trust Checkup
Because so many fights come down to issues of trust, I especially liked this essay which encourages each partner to answer ten questions with a score of 1-to-5 to arrive at their present “trust level.”
“Trust builds in three main ways; 1) When we get a more accurate understanding of our partner’s motives and intentions…2) When we understand what made trust hard for us in the past…3) When we become less fragile and need less reassurance.”
How We Like to Be Loved
We all have a preferred style of being shown love that soothes us — which usually serves as a natural starting point to soothing others. Learning more about these various styles, as famously described in the bestselling book “The Five Love Languages” can pay big dividends in helping us become fluent in expressing true love.
As a variation on the Five Love Languages book, which says we all have a preference of being shown love via; 1. Words of affirmation, 2. giving of gifts, 3. acts of service, 4. physical touch, or 5. quality time.
The Couple’s Workbook identifies similar, but distinct five primary styles, which include:
1. Listening — “We may be the type who needs to speak and be listened to first and foremost. We may not want answers, solutions or analysis. Just being truly heard feels like real love.”
2. Solutions — “At the other end of the spectrum love might not feel real unless precise and concrete solutions are given. Love may be a sheet of paper listing bullet points and a willingness to spend some money on solving problems if needed.”
3. Optimism — “Our priority may be to hear that everything will eventually be OK. Reasons to give up are obvious, but for us, love is a species of hope.”
4. Pessimism — “For others what calms us down is a quiet walk around the prospect of catastrophe. We don’t want to be alone in our fears, we want someone honest enough to see (or worry) with us.
5. Cuddles — “Physical touch for some is the most reliable evidence of heartfelt love. Wise parents know this is the best remedy for a distressed child — no lecture, just a loving hug or caress.
Bottom line: “Love can’t remain at the level of intentions alone — it must be translated into thoughtful actions.”
A New Ritual: Morning & Evening Kiss
“As an illustration of the typical level of insecurity we humans live with, relationships need a large amount of reassurance that we are actually wanted by another.”
“The fear of being unwanted continues every day. If the fear is left to fester, it can lead to a defensive position in which we assume we are unwanted and start to behave in a cold, detached way, which encourages our partner to do likewise.”
Solution: “A small but crucial ritual of making it a priority to engage in a meaningful kiss lasting at least 7–10 seconds in both the morning and evening, without an abrupt ending, with a loving gaze. When we kiss we are tapping into a central channel or emotional connection, superior in many ways to words or ideas.”
A Forgiveness Ritual
“The people we most hurt are always those we most love — not deliberately — but by being close we are exposing one another to the most vulnerable parts of our nature where our frailties and errors take on a monstrous potential to cause harm.”
“We mess up daily…When we feel guilty — but are unforgiven — we have a tendency to get aggressive and deny all our flaws…Confessions therefore need to be mutual, candid, measured and undertaken with immense goodwill and generosity on both sides.”
The workbook encourages making a list of “Things I wish I hadn’t done that I’d love you to forgive me for” — particular occasions, patterns of behavior and troubles I have brought into your life.
This is such a potentially powerful exercise to clear out past and present unforgiveness that one can only imagine that if adopted as a regular ritual it has the power to transform years of tears and sorrow… into tears of pure joy.
A Gratitude Ritual
The flip side of a forgiveness ritual is the gratitude ritual — which celebrates the many ways in which our partner has helped us grow and feel more safe.
Why is it that we so often hesitate in speaking words of appreciation and gratitude to our loving life partner? Fear? Laziness?
According to The Couple’s Workbook, “We might fear our partner would get irritated, thinking ‘If you’re so grateful to me, why do you behave so badly to me?’ … or, we might be fearful that if we assured our partner of our appreciation, they would take our goodwill for granted, start exploiting us and stop making any effort.”
“All of these reasons are deeply understandable, but they share a list of what are most common flaw — they don’t apply to us personally … We’re attributing to our partner states of mind that we don’t ourselves have — and no one else does either. In fact, if they expressed gratitude to us, we’d be pleasantly surprised.”
The workbook exercise involves writing out a list of what you are most thankful about your partner, such as; “You’ve taught me … You’ve introduced me to … You’ve shown me … You’ve comforted me … You’ve given me a better understanding of … You’ve made me less afraid of … Because of you, I have been able to” … etc.
The Weakness of Strength
“After spending years or decades around our partner we grow into experts in their deficiencies of character … The Weakness of Strength helps us interpret people’s weaknesses as the inevitable downside of certain merits that drew us to them … The shadow side of things that are genuinely good about them.”
“The very same character trait that we approve of will be inseparable from the tendencies we will end up regretting — it’s a law of nature — there can be no such thing as a person with only strengths.”
“Enduring love is built out of a constantly renewed and gently resigned awareness that weakness-free people do not exist… Flaws can be seen as part of the cost of their virtues … The Weakness of Strength explains why there is no perfect partner for us.”
How to Complain
Proverbs 15:1 reminds us of a universal truth; “A soft word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
“An essential ingredient of love is to know how to level complaints kindly… Complaining is a skill requiring careful practice.” The workbook offers five specific guidelines and several examples of how to learn better ways of expressing critical thoughts with a higher degree of success.
Here are a few examples; 1) Layer criticism with reassurance — instead of “You know, your breath stinks. It’s disgusting,” try “I love giving you a kiss, but there’s just this tiny thing, it’s even nicer when you’ve just brushed your teeth.”
2) Use qualifiers — maybe, perhaps, possibly, by chance. Compare “You are such a revolting snob, I want to die of shame when I hear you pontificating in front of people,” with… “I wonder if its just possible that at times not everyone fully identifies with the interesting point you are making?”
Be the Change You Want to See
The old saying “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care,” is a truism in both business and personal relationships. It is only when we ‘walk our talk’ that we demonstrate a true change of heart.
“Because change is so hard, we can easily lose hope — we need to remind our self change is possible given enough time, love and intention… One of the most useful things we can know about each other (and our self) is the intimate history of our evolution.”
“Changing how you behave to others can be the fastest way to alter how others behave towards you… People tend to mirror behavior… The key may be to give up on teaching directly in order to try to teach by example.”
“Good enough couples make an important move; They come to accept that certain problems between them won’t be put right. Ever.
Less Pressure on Love
“The good couple is, we are told, one in which two people mean more or less everything to each other — from sex to intellectual stimulation, cooking styles to bedroom habits… but over the long-term it is a recipe for disaster.”
“No two people can ever match each other across all areas of existence and to attempt to do so inevitably ushers in bitterness and rage.”
“A more realistic view would suggest there have to be a few strong areas where we can meet each others needs, but there should also be plenty of other needs we are clearly better off pursuing on our own — this helps take the pressure off our partner and our self.”
The workbook suggests making a list of independent activities and giving them a score of 1-to-5 of their importance and each partner compares… such as; traveling alone, dinner with a friend, going to a party alone, visiting parents, long walks alone, etc.
“Our conflicts and disappointment will at once feel more manageable when we stop asking our partner to function as our long-lost other half… We will truly give love a chance when we stop wanting it be everything.”
Conclusion
The Couple’s Workbook concludes that there are five primary criterion for couples who are really ready for love; 1) We have given up on perfection, 2) We despair of being fully understood, 3) We realize we are all a little crazy, 4) We are happy to be taught and calm about teaching, 5) We realize we’re not compatible, but good at negotiating differences.
The Couple’s Workbook is steeped in practical and perennial wisdom — whether or not you are following a specific spiritual path. This is the type of workbook I wish I had been given as a wedding gift many decades ago… therefore, I will be giving copies to all my adult children and grandchildren.
Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or still seeking the love of your life, this book will help bridge the understanding gap and improve your love life!
Another very helpful tool to better understand a potential or existing partner is the Enneagram, which consists of nine primary personality types — each with specific strengths and weaknesses.
For example, my primary personality type is a 9, with strengths of patience, humility and serving as a peacemaker, but on the flip side, 9‘s can are also prone to procrastination and lacking focus. Knowing your own and your partner’s personality type promotes a better understanding of each other. (Free 5-min. Enneagram Test)
In summarizing the ultimate goal of the Enneagram, Richard Rohr says, “The goal of the entire spiritual journey is union in love. And love is not achieved by any performance principle, but it is something we ‘fall into’ when we are not in full control.”
Another excellent resource for understanding how to drop the unconscious barriers we all erect to protect ourselves from getting hurt in a relationship is Undefended Love, written by psychologists Dr. Jett Farris and Dr. Marla S. Lyons.
P.S. In his classic song The Art of Love jazz singer and songwriter Michael Franks captures the essence of this book in 4 words: “Loving is an art!”
Both lovers and friends … Learning the art of love.
Homework never ends … Learning the art of love.
