Elders Embrace “Transitions”

New Beginnings Require Healthy Endings & Messy Middles

Introduction

“Life is only understood backwards, but must be lived forward.” -Soren Kierkegaard

Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes by Dr. William Bridges is both educational and inspirational. First published in 1979, it is named among the top 50 best self-help and personal development books ever published.

My initial interest in this book was as research for my new LifeWrite class and to compare Bridges’ premise with more recent books I’ve read such as; The Wisdom Pattern by Richard Rohr, A Brief History of Everything by Ken Wilbur and The Grace in Living by Kathleen Dowling Singh.

The central message of Transitions is easy to grasp: Every life transition begins with an ending — and unacknowledged endings can seriously impede transitions to a new beginning.

The key to successful new beginnings lies with our willingness to boldly enter the fuzzy time in-between or “neutral zone” as he calls it. It turns out this somewhat scary period of chaos is in reality the all-important gap we all need to process our old ending and new beginning.

Bridges views the three major phases of life as; dependence, independence and interdependence, which resonates with Rohr’s formula of life transitions moving from “Order → Disorder → Reorder.”

To illustrate how ancient this wisdom perspective is Bridges refers to The Sphinx’s Riddle from the Greek myth of The Odyssey (750 BCE): “What has one voice but goes on all fours in the morning, two in the afternoon and three in the evening?” Oedipus wisely answers “a human being — who crawls as a baby, stands on two legs as an adult, and walks with a stick/cane in old age.”

Understanding this transition cycle helps us understand that human development follows a predictable sequence. By embracing our in-between times of being in a seemingly chaotic neutral zone of disorder is actually very healthy and should not to be downplayed or avoided, which most of us do.

Major Life Transitions

“Not in his goals, but in his transitions, man is great,” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Life transitions can be lengthy and difficult,” says Bridges, “Seeing our life as an unfolding of a whole person is very different than the flawed concept that we arrive at adult life as a finished product at a certain age or a certain level of income or status.”

Bridges says most modern cultures do not have formal rights of passage to mark these major life transitions, as ancient tribal cultures did. The first quarter of life ages 1–25 are often seen as the Apprentice stage. Ages 20 to 33 as Novice Adults. The 30s a time of settling down to work, family, career and community service. The 40s as a transition, often referred to as the “Midlife Crisis theory” with physical changes, value shifts, realizations some disillusionment and chasing a carrot on a stick.

The 50s typically mark a transition into a second half of life that some cultures referred to as “forest dwelling” — a time of self-discovery to “know thyself” and turn away from traditional thinking and begin a process of spiritual awakening, ripening as well as unlearning.

“There is an archetypal journey homeward, as we see in The Odyssey, which requires unlearning the values in the first half of life in favor of discovering the truest values and resisting our temptation to stop the journey. To reconnect will take effort.”

In the 50s and beyond many find, they make their greatest accomplishments in life. Which transitions have been most important to you so far?

In my LifeWrite class we begin the first week by making a list and chart of our major life transitions because they offer some of the best “fishing holes” to find our deepest memories of both the best of times and worst of times. Here is an example of my own life transitions, so far 16.

I encourage you to do the same. Simply make a graph showing your age at the bottom, then and ascending percentage of both negative and positive events in your life. Most are surprised to see how much of a zig-zag our life has been. Yet through it all we can see a pattern that regardless of circumstances we face, we have somehow found a way to overcome and move on.

Bridges offer a helpful checklist for couples in transition. He suggests;

1. Take your time.
2. Arrange temporary structures.
3. Don’t react to each other with a knee-jerk.
4. Take care of yourself in small ways.
5. Find someone you can talk to.
6. It’s a process of leaving the status quo.

Transitions in Work Life

“Every 10 years in a person’s life has its own fortunes hopes and desires,” -Wolfgang Gerges

“Adult life unfolds in an alternating rhythm of expansion and contraction, change and stabilization,” writes Bridges. The same is true of our work life and career, which typically change at least six times.

I found it interesting that Bridges references the Hindu perspective on the major life stages. I think this is an area in which the West can learn from the Eastern perspective, especially regarding what we now still refer to as the “retirement” years. I find this refreshing and something which all spiritual traditions could benefit from.

1. Apprenticeship — ages 1 to 25 — a moving from being dependent to our independence.
2. Householding — ages 25 to 50 — often a time of marriage, family, role and responsibility.
3. Forest Walking — ages 50 to 75 — a time of searching, householding ends, midlife re-orientation.
4. Final Chapter — ages 75 to 100 — the new calling toward enlightenment, a time of letting go, mentoring, serving, teaching the young to distill wisdom for themselves.

Transition Begin With Endings

“The end is where we start from.” -T.S. Elliot

In many cultures, there exists a right of initiation from youth to adult, a crossover from the old way of being to the new. “The three phases of this crossover include separation, transition and incorporation, ending, neutral, and new beginning.”

According to Bridges, “Endings are a precondition to renewal. There are five aspects of ending…

1. Disengagement — The separation from familiar, leaving home, divorce, job changes, illness, death, the process of change begins.
2. Dismantling — This is a process of taking apart one piece at a time, often following the five stages of grieving. There is a morning process and a change of identity.
3. Disidentification — This is a loss of the defining role, loss of security and vulnerability.
4. Disenchantment — A period of limbo, of being tired of the old and looking forward to the new, realizing there is no Santa Claus, your parents are imperfect and a time of unlearning.
5. Disorientation — Which is a time of up and down, forward or back “Loss enough to find yourself” -Robert Frost, a time of confusion, emptiness, a time of nothing which can be scary.

Healthy endings are a time for letting go of what no longer fits, whether it’s your worldview, your current perspective or a transition which leads to change. Life’s endings usually begin with something going wrong, such as a decline in health, wealth or relationship. The way down becomes the way up.

The Neutral Zone

“Something had to be broken within me, which I had always resisted. Morally my life had stopped.” -Leo Tolstoy.

This gap between endings and new beginnings is important according to Bridges. “It’s an empty space that allows for a new sense of self and a search for a new meaning.” This time not should not be rushed he urges because it is a time of wondering and unknowing.

The purpose of this gap is to stop struggling. “It serves as a source of self renewal from disintegration to reintegration and the time of perspective, realizing that the way in is the way out, says Bridges. The neutral zone is a time of finding meaning and accepting the need for chaos in for a true new beginning.

Inner reflection, prayer and meditation practices are safe places of retreat in the neutral zone. “In the neutral zone we are to be turtles, not hares, a time to be alone in nature, wilderness and to find sanctuary.”

Bridges says this is an important time to log our thoughts and the perfect time to begin to write your autobiography. We need to see where we’ve been to see where we’re heading “Who controls the present controls the past, and who controls the past controls the future.” -George Orwell.

As we age our reflections on the past are now from a new perspective, a more mature, more compassionate place. “We need to let go of the way we need to see the past, to discover what we really want and ask ‘What would be unlived if we died today?’… and consider writing your own obituary.”

Detailed stages of life transitions

Interestingly, I recommend writing your obituary at the outset of reflection on your major life transitions. Why? Because it forces us to condense our life story into a few paragraphs and to think about what we want to be remembered for. Try it sometime. I wrote mine recently prior to having a life-threatening surgery, just in case.

The author recommends spending a few days alone in unfamiliar place, what he calls a “neutral zone retreat” with no distractions. “A journey into emptiness with the intention that no results are needed, just your full attention and presence.”

The neutral zone can sometimes take place even before having an official ending, or after a new beginning. Either way “It is a time that the real business of transition and realignment takes place. A time when we are making the shift from one season to the next.”

Finishing With a New Beginning

“Long for a procedure rather than a process to understand this: the beginnings of all human endeavors are untidy.” -John Goldsworthy

How do we know which path before us represents a true new beginning? When we are ready for a new beginning, we will surely find an opportunity — as the wise saying goes, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.”

“New beginnings may start as an idea, a new experience, a hint from a friend, a comment, a dream, or a childhood fantasy that is aligned with our deep motives,” writes Bridges.

New beginnings are accessible to everyone, but we often face major challenges first. “New beginnings often upset long-standing rules and values. It takes counter-intuitive courage to let go of the past and our resistance to change.”

“The indications of new beginnings would be that others see this as something really new, not just a repeat of old behavior. Have we really finished the ending and neutral zone?” Bridges asks. “If so, then it’s time to act time to do it and as we act our identity will change. As we step foreword take new beginnings step-by-step. Don’t rush the results.”

“New beginnings usually mark a shift in purpose, from the goal to the progress or the process of reaching the goal. All change should incorporate the new and the old. Often we come full-circle back to our True self. We come home,” concludes Bridges.

In the process of transitions we learn to recognize the value of the cycle of endings, neutral zones and new beginnings. “Some transitions just happen due to outward circumstances, others happen due to choices that we make.” Both require processing the transition.

“Most transitions must be done alone and require going down before we go back up. This is the primary message of Rohr’s bestselling book, Falling Upward: A Spirituality for Both Halves of Life. I even wrote a simple song/music video to share the message of Rohr’s life-changing book.

Conclusion

“If you have faced the first death (self), the second death can do us no harm.” -Saint Francis

I strongly recommend Transitions for readers of all ages. Young adults could be saved years of fretting over life’s many upcoming transitions if they really understood the value of pausing between life’s endings and new beginnings; in relationships, careers, and all the other major life transitions ahead.

This book would make a wonderful Christmas gift for children and grandchildren. Last year I gave my family a copy of my autobiography. Odds are they won’t read it until I’m gone, but it is the process of writing your life story which can be very healing by helping us to make sense of our own life transitions.

Here is a humble song/music video inspired by Transitions dedicated to Susan Bridges who continues the work of William at wmbridges.com.